A Reluctant American

I'll start this off by saying that I am going to change the name of this blog to The Ambitious Writer and Mommy-to-Be because that is what I am. And it is my excuse for not posting anything for so long! I'm thrilled to be expecting, a girl I might add, but pregnancy is my excuse for not being as diligent with my writing (or anything for that matter). There are probably other factors-- in fact I know there are other factors-- but let's just leave it at that.

But on to the real reason I'm writing this today. I was just thinking about politics-- politics! Never before have I been so entrenched in the goings-on of a political campaign.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. We didn't talk politics in my house growing up. I grew up upper-middle class, very comfortable, wanting for nothing, and overall politics didn't seem to play a role in our house. The first time I voted for president was, sadly, in 2000 when George W. Bush and Al Gore ran against one another. I voted not because I really cared, but because it just seemed like something I should do. I had no real idea what the issues were or who would better suit the job. It was before 9-11, times were good. Did it really matter?

I was a slacker in 2004. Even though times were different, I still didn't feel like it mattered too much who was president. Besides, John Kerry was running against Bush and everyone knew there was no way Kerry would win. And I still had no reason to be interested in or even aware of politics.

So why now? What, all these years later, makes a difference to me? A couple of factors: one, in 2008 I voted for Obama. I liked McCain. I still wasn't particularly affected by politics back then, but with a British husband who takes an interest in all world events, I had followed the campaign more closely. I thought McCain seemed like a good guy. But frankly, he was too old. (Not to mention I was darn scared that Sarah Palin could be president if he dropped dead.) He wasn't MY contemporary. Obama was (is) young and progressive. And I think he's done a good job despite fighting a Republican House every step of the way.

And the other factor, that in this last four years has become a real hot topic: medical care. In 2008 when I voted for Obama, I didn't think much about health care even though we had our own business and the cost was ridiculous. (Why do you have to pay $800 per month per employee for coverage because you only have a few employees? It makes no sense. Anyone who has owned a small business knows it's hard enough to pay the bills as it is.) But times were still pretty good and just as when I was in my 20s and was covered for health insurance thanks to my employers, I was never sick.

But then I was. And had to have a major operation. And times were tougher. And business wasn't great anymore. And the medical bills piled up. And I couldn't believe that after all those years of working hard and paying taxes and supporting my country, I was stuck with these bills because of something I couldn't control. I hadn't broken the law, I hadn't done anything wrong. It just happened. And I was left getting phone calls and letters. Where is my money? Not exactly the situation you want to be in when you should be recovering in a stress-free environment.

So that brings me to today. Hubbie and I moved up to Alaska to start fresh after times got too tough to keep the business running. We had such high hopes. His employer pays for health insurance! We got pregnant! Life is good!

Not so much. Despite having health insurance, we're still going to be stuck with medical bills. And it's expensive up here. And the coverage we have isn't that great. Health insurance only ensures you won't have to pay all the medical bills. But having to pay a percentage is still staggering.

So how does that play into my newly found interest in politics? I still like Obama. I will vote for him again. I'm embarrassed by Romney and Santorum, the two frontrunners of the Republican campaign. I wouldn't want to meet either of them on the street much less see either of them voted in as the president of my country. They don't seem to care about the people of the country they want to run! They're good ol' boys. They're all part of a club I will never be a part of. But even if Obama makes it to a second term, I cannot believe that the health insurance situation in this country will ever change. It's too far gone. So many people without coverage or adequate coverage. And no one seems to care. Too many Romneys and Santorums will make sure that their cushy lives are not going to change here in America. And I guess for that to happen other people have to suffer. Like me. And I'm not asking for charity and I don't take advantage of the system. But if I feel like something is wrong, especially now, I want to be able to call my doctor right away and be assessed, or at least reassured, not be told I have to go to the emergency room because it's after hours and then face a $2,000 bill.

I mentioned Hubbie is British. If you've ever heard of the NHS you'll understand why he's pretty mad about all these bills he has to come up with the money for in these tough times. He wants me to have this baby in England where it would be FREE. Yes, free. No, England is not a socialist society. No, people do not go on waiting lists for months for life-saving surgery. No, the doctors are not subpar. It's just a different society where people are given health care as a right, not a privilege.

Maybe if I was a millionaire, I wouldn't care. But I'm not. And I never will be. And now I'm going to be raising a child and I want to be able to take her to the doctor if she needs it, or if I just think she does, without thinking twice about how much I'm going to have to pay for it later.

They say the grass is greener on the other side. And that may be true. I have had my fears about the NHS. But I've done the research. And I have the opportunity to find out for myself. And I think I may just do that.

Lacking ambition....

Escaping into my own head and writing fiction is sometimes so much more enticing than facing the real world and writing about what is happening in (my) life. My first novel is finished and polished and I am now frozen in fear at moving forward and potentially being rejected by any and every major publishing house in America. Or just ignored. That might possibly be worse. So I have done nothing to progress on this journey of actually having people pay for my work. I think the book is great but every time I sit down to research the best way to get it out there, I read articles with comment after comment of negativity by other writers. I know there is no sure-fire way of getting my work published but I don't want my attempts at researching my options (what I least want to do as a writer) to drag me down. At the end of most of these comments, people say "whatever you do, just keep writing!" Well, I can write all I want in the privacy of my own home but it's a waste if there is no exposure.

There are new aspects to self-publishing including but not limited to websites called Pubslush and Inkubate. At first glance, these seemed like more viable options than self-publishing via Amazon or Lulu. On closer inspection, however, I fear these could be scams and that really worries me as a novice author. One site will not publish my book until 2,000 people commit (give credit card info!) to wanting to read it based on a ten-page excerpt. In the next paragraph this same site says that most authors don't even sell 1,000 books! So how am I supposed to get excited and expect 2,000 people to be interested in my book based on 10 pages? It's contradictory at best.

So again, I'm leaning towards sending my manuscript out to actual physical publishing houses and hoping for the best. That feels daunting as well seeing as publishers still want manuscripts on paper (poor trees!) and my book is no novella.

I just want to write! I don't want to market myself, I want to market my book. I don't know why this has to be about me. The books I read and love are loved because of their characters, the story, how it makes me feel. I usually don't know much about the author at all and I'm sure he or she doesn't mind as long as that book is selling.

If I have to talk about myself to get a book I wrote from my own imagination published, I think I will continue to be frozen in time with a great novel accumulating cobwebs and my dreams left by the wayside.

To self-publish or not to self-publish-- that is the question.

I attended a seminar last January where the speaker claimed that self-publishing was not the way to go. At the time I agreed. I, as many writers may do, have had dreams of working with a big publishing house, having my book in its fancy hardcover form displayed at Barnes & Nobles all over the world, attending book signings, being reviewed (positively, of course) and generally reaping fame and fortune from my first novel. I believed that if I was meant to be a successful novelist then a publishing house would want me and be willing to pay for my extraordinary writing talents and ideas and be willing to market my book to every major book-selling company in the world. 

A publishing house choosing my book represents approval, a pat on the back, a you-are-a-good-writer accolade. I dismissed the idea of self-publishing because doing so feels like nobody is approving me, I am only approving myself and hoping someone will stumble across my book and be interested.

And then came Amanda Hocking. A best-selling author, she grew tired of searching for a publishing house and decided to self-publish. Millions of dollars later, her endeavors were more than successful. I admit I haven't read her books but does it matter? People want to read them and isn't that ultimately why we write? Not for fame and fortune, but to provide entertainment and escape, education and knowledge?

I may have had dreams of fame that would come with being the next J.K. Rowling. But in reality, I just want people to enjoy my books, find an escape in them, get carried away by them. Or even just like them. That would be fine, really. Like them and want to buy them.

So does that mean self-publishing is for me? I'm not sure yet. It could be for the "young" people and when I say that I mean those who utilize Facebook and Twitter to market themselves. I use Facebook to connect with friends and family who are far away (I live in Alaska, remember). I do not use Twitter and never will. (Nor do I understand it but that's beside the point.) I'm not old by any means, but I am old-fashioned. I don't have a Kindle or a Nook. I read The Help (fabulous!) on my iPhone using iBooks (I'm not even sure if I'm writing these i words right) because I was about to take a flight home and desperately wanted to read it and it was right there on my phone to download. Reading it on my phone was not so fun and I have yet to download another book that way.

The appeal of the publishing house is that they will market me. Unfortunately, without even reading my book they may decide that what I have written is unmarketable. Publishing houses have to answer to so many people. They have to justify the book. In self-publishing I am the only one justifying the book (at least at the beginning) and as the author shouldn't I be my biggest fan?

 

You can't have your cake and eat it, too.

One of the most important questions a writer has to ask himself is do I quit my day job? Or in my case, do I get a day job?

I know a lot of writers start off writing in their spare time after a long day at work or on the weekend. Because it is difficult to make money full-time as a writer at first. I was able to write my first novel while Hubbie continued to run a business. I am just about at the point when I am ready to try to publish that novel and I am working on a second. And I have the potential for a full-time job (not writing).

Writing in my spare time when I have worked a forty-hour week is not something I realistically see myself accomplishing. It almost shames me to say it because if I truly loved writing, which I truly do, I should make the time. That's what all the accomplished authors say. And maybe I will. But what if I don't? What if I leave this second book half-finished and never even try to publish the first? All for the allure of a steady-paying "real" job.

I'm torn. I am in the fortunate position that I have an understanding partner who will support me if I choose not to take the day job and instead pursue my dream of being a published novelist. What if I fail? A steady paycheck is within my reach and as everyone knows, these are hard times. This job opportunity didn't come easy. But what about my writing?

I think I want some kind of guarantee and that's just not possible. I want the proverbial cake and I want to eat it too while knowing before I even take the first bite what the exact outcome of eating it will be.

Is that too much to ask?

When I grow up I want to be... a reality star?

I'm not a fan of reality television. When The Real World began it was fun, when Survivor started, it was cool. Now I can't even watch The Soup anymore because it focuses on too much reality TV trash for my taste.

Who are these people? Why are they famous? Why are we so obsessed?

This media onslaught of coverage of Kim Kardashian's wedding is starting to drive me crazy. I have nothing against the woman. I am not jealous of her success. I am merely baffled by her fame, by all the people who are grappling to find out more about her wedding. What did she wear? Who did her hair? Who attended? Where is she honeymooning? Oh wait, she is on a "mini-moon" (the latest headline) and will take a "real honeymoon" later- what? When her busy work schedule calms down?

I realize I should give Kim Kardashian more credit. She truly is working very hard-- she is working very hard to make sure every move she makes is covered by the media and placed in the public eye and that she is getting paid for it. Apparently endorsements from products she had in her wedding netted her $1.5 million. That is some savvy business deal.

So, little boys and girls, if your dream is to become famous and make lots of money, don't waste your time taking all those singing lessons so you can be the next American Idol. Take a lesson from reality star extraordinaire Kim Kardashian. Put your face out there and once people decide they want to see more of you, make them pay for it, some way or another. Because they will, and you'll be rich.

You crack me up.

I don't consider myself to be a humorous person. I know what is funny and I appreciate funny people. In fact I like to surround myself with funny people and I definitely love to laugh. But I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have made someone else laugh. On purpose. And I rarely find things that happen to me funny. Even things that are supposed to be funny. 


So does this make me humorless? Not necessarily. Too serious? Perhaps. I would love to see the humor in something sad but when I think of sad events in my life, I just feel... sad. I was reading an article about using surrealism and humor when writing about death. I cannot even contemplate that. It is not my way. 


Death is... sad. But not my death. I don't take my own unavoidable, eventual demise seriously at all. That is where I may differ from the masses. Hubbie, who is very funny, will not discuss his death and even claims he will live forever. I do not feel that way, nor do I care. Perhaps I am unafraid of my own death because I have a humorless life. Perhaps I welcome death, hoping it will be funny for me.

What's wrong with ambition?

Upon reading my first blog entry, my husband suggested that the title "The Ambitious Writer" might convey I will step on anyone who gets in my way on my path to becoming a successful writer. Well, that is just not true. It's interesting to me that Hubbie thinks of ambitious as a bad word. The name of this blog came to me in a flash one night (I do my best "writing" when I'm in bed about to fall asleep. It's very convenient.) so I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the title, I just went with it. As a lifelong over-thinker this was a good step for me.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, ambition is defined as 1. an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power, and 2. desire to achieve a particular end. The second definition is close to how I envision ambition. But I would have put a little more oomph into it. Like, strong desire. Or, strong desire to achieve a particular end while solving world peace in the meantime. That's probably a bit much.

I was alarmed by the first definition. Why does that have to be the first? Upon further thought, why did that cause me alarm? Is a desire to be famous and powerful a bad thing? I guess in today's world of reality television "stars" who clearly want to be rich and famous without actually achieving anything then, yes, it sounds like a bad word. But to merely want to reach a particular end-- my particular end, that which I want to accomplish in life-- what is so wrong with that?

The word ambitious means to me that I will not get in my own way on my path to becoming a successful writer. What does ambitious mean to you?